Critical Reflection
Popular Media "advocate":
1. Andrew Tate
2. Donald Trump
3. Joe Rogan
4. Adin Ross
5. Nelk Boys
6. Walter Weeks and Myron
Gaines
7. Kai Cenat
8. DJ akademics
9. Tekashi69
10. Zias and Blou
11. Logan Paul, Mike Majlak
and George Janko
12. Dan Bilzerian
13. Pearl
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Fear of expression
My research started off with investigating the idea of twinhood through breaking down the unique relationship between my twin brother Michael and I: what experiences are shared but hidden and exempt from discussion. The idea was that by discussing these “forbidden” moments, I would get a better sense of understanding of the making of my own character: what makes me ultra-sensitive of my own existence in public and why is there always a “voice” in my head telling me what to and not to do. I started with recording my daily experiences of London in the form of diaries.
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The experience that is very much attached to my identity is the idea of always being “ok” due to having a twin brother. Often, I would get told to “soak” up the emotional distress as it is not allowed for someone like me to cry about it. As if it’s a crime to complain about anything at school, public or home when God has given me a companion of “love” and “assurance”- It makes me feel less than, attached or non-existent because my emotional well-being has been completely tied up with my brother. To attack the problem head on, I decided to hold discourses with my brother on the issue.
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Moving forward, I started an investigation on “me”. Not what makes me the way it is, but what is bothering me. The question that I’ve failed to ask many times as it almost feels “unnatural” to ask something so “feminine”. I begin to realize that it was my gender that is bothering me. Ever since I moved to America, I learned that a man should be tall, muscular, and disallowed from showing weak emotions on small problems as the society is merciless towards men.
The belief could also be contributed by the fact that I learned English through rap music..
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1. Diary
The process recording grants me inner peace: elimination of after-thoughts at night. Similar to filling in an unfilled shape, it provides a sense comfort in "completing".
13/10/2022 Walking around in Leicester squares makes me reminiscent of times in New York; times that are easily forgotten as people walk swiftly by with no intention of interacting; times that are overlooked as they have seemingly no impact on an individual’s well-being. The scent of coffee and bagel conquers the space of the tube exit as the homeless stares wishfully at people for dime or penny.
15/10/2022 Another day in Vauxhall that seems ordinary and normal; however, the weather seems to disagree with me as rain pours down on me- power walking in a tight shorts and patterned hoodie after a gym session, I’m thoroughly drenched in sweat and blessing from above. After buying my usual 4-pound 25 pence chicken breast, I sprinted back home. It is almost relieving to have my glasses fogged up, clothes wet, and socks sticking to my feet. It makes me feel at peace as let everything go, dissipate.
16/10/22 Today, me and my family decided to attend the frieze masters show. Due to our lack of awareness, we entered the terrain from the wrong entrance. As a result, we had to walk fifteen minutes to the entrance of the show. Famous galleries from all over the town are gathered here, in one compact space paintings are displayed like cakes fresh out of oven in a bakery. Gallery managers/assistances sat right in the middle of each area with every intention of selling artworks exhibited at the show. There seems to a trend. A trend that dictates what art is valued at, divided, or critiqued by. A trend that decides the beauty standard of art that everyone seems to agree with. Works that are ambiguous yet filled with reasonable amount familiarity of the world are praised for as others are argued upon. The question then becomes what art should be made for: the world, society, or the individual.
2. Conversation with Michael
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It makes me feel extremely guilty about not knowing.. Not knowing that it was me all along, complaining due to lack of self discovery. I never knew "he" would know so much of "me". How dumb was I.
3. Rap Culture (artists/albums to Remember)
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YG*: Keenon Daequan Ray Jackson
Catch phrases: "YG 4 hunnid"
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Rich gang (album): birdman, rich homie Quan, Young thug, nicki minaj..
Catch phrases: "I got sister and brothers to feed"
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Lil Wayne: Dwayne Michael Carter Jr.
Catch phrases: "Elevator eyes/ But I get every stare"
My English "teacher": YG
YG has taught me the "correct" way to voice my opinion.
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YG has taught me to use slangs
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YG has taught me to fight back against "evil"
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YG has taught me to stand ten toes down and never look backwards.
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Though my English wasn't the "cleanest", it still managed to clear the path to freedom in a field of spikey vines.
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Though I've never held a gun, I felt like I was holding one the moment I started making art..
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4. Vulnerability: Fear of Public Transit
Growing up in one of the most privileged areas of United States, Palo Alto, my situation was nothing close to the upbringing of my favorite rapper "YG". Though different, we're very similar in the mindset of being "tough": never show weaknesses in the school yard especially when it comes to events that could "alter" the course of your life. Existing in a primarily white neighborhood around that time made me feel secluded; in addition, the urgency of staying "above average" at school made me feel like jail: survival of the fittest (Palo Alto vs New York vs Rhode island vs UK).
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One aspect about studying in the UK that fascinates me is how easy public transportation is here in London. Though very accessible, it makes one question the structure of the transportation: is it inclusive, safe, and easy to figure out. It would be very sad to have another "accident" here in UK like in the states: school bus rivalry..
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*The Design Museum: elements of public/transportation of London
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The older map for the tubes of London displays a "theoretical" summary of underground. It is said to be "simplified", yet "conventional" and semi-accurate.
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The organization of items have interested me as it prioritizes the "aesthetic" over functionality. *It makes me ponder how much my art should be interpreted literally or abstractedly; also, how much should the "fun" aspect reflect during or after the creation process.
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Sketches "The Feared Transit"
5. Anselm Kiefer, Francis Bacon, Marc Chagall: "embrace" the negative
7. Popular culture: masculinity and the attempt of completing my identity
Francis Bacon
The feeling of anxiety strikes the moment I board the public transit: the terrifying pupils, non-stop murmurs and feet shuffles. How can I ever obtain inner peace when my brain refuses to operate "normally"? It is almost comical how often I get distracted by absolutely nothing, but yet anything..
Kiefer’s “Lilith” series has inspired me to view trauma as a combination of “growth” and “reality” rather than just pain. "Kiefer spends three days photographing the city of San Paulo, he finds himself astounded by the growth of city through its skyscrapers but also by more favelas" (Tate Museum). Kiefer would paint the city first in a very detailed manner but then rework multiple times over the course of two years as the city becomes more abstracted and harder to solidify. It makes one ponder about Kiefer’s intention, as in its relationship with history and present state: how does the city reflect its growth as well as embracing the setbacks. In my later series “If I were a rabbit”, I started to transform the vulnerability of mine into strength. But unlike Kiefer, I didn’t rework it periodically; even though “human problems” are closely related to man-made structure, it should never be evaluated under the same criteria: psychological vs physical vs time.
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Anselm Kiefer, 'Lilith', 1987-9, oil paint, ash wire on canvas.
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Anselm Kiefer, "Gagosian"
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Face the "unthinkable", mark only the "traceables"
Für Paul Celan : Aschenblume, 2006, close-up, Pinterest
In art, Kiefer motivates me to view personal history as an "enabler" for betterment of others: how can I seek a solution for others so they don't fall in similar predicament as me. . History becomes less about trauma when transformed into an individual's "shortcomings"; in other words, traumas are reminders of a period that the person is mentally weak.
Francis Bacon—Three Studies for Figures at the Base of a Crucifixion (1944)
Francis Bacon—Figure with Meat (1954)
Bacon's work recounts horror in a confrontational way. Though bacon's portrayal of horror is direct, it catches viewers off guard due to its relentless pursuit of "truth".
Bacon's way of portraying horror within corruption is "crude" but powerful.
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*inspires me to analyze memorable moments that are traumatizing with complete honesty: no over exaggeration of damages already "dealt" but not for potential danger in the future; in other words, combination of possibility of future and certainty of the past.
Marc Chagall*
The "Tower building" at Palo Alto high school. The spot that provided me with the most "trouble" *certainty of the past
The "monster" of the future that would devour you if weaknesses are shown *possibility of future
Brutality of reality: no matter how far an individual escapes from a situation it will somehow finds its way back to you
Fragment of Finally a rabbit: embarrassment, 2023
Marc Chagall, "I and the Village", 1911
*Due to YG I became fearless with words but ultra sensitive to "rhyming" when writing emotive poems. It makes me feel uneasy when words don't echo with one another
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*Rap has made me fearless in "self destructing" in art. I would never ask what would happen next when painting or drawing. As long as I can get the "air pressure" out of my head it is enough for me.
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Fragment of Twins: Stories left untold
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Chagall's way of painting is fun, free and angelic. Chagall draws inspirations from Jewish folklores and he would then combine it with his "fantastical realm" of reality.
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Chagall's work inspires me to consider my "childhood imprints".
*DUCK and RABBIT: every time I try to feed the rabbit the duck would step on the rabbit's head to get to the lettuce. The interaction between the two became my "folklore". It defines my existence at that time and it was symbolic and extremely crucial to my later emotional development.
It is more noticeable in my later series "If I were a rabbit" and "Finally a rabbit"
The Horror aspect of Bacon's work seems to be
only reflective in the "possibility of future": the blurred face, "moldy" clothing, and stressfully positioned hand of the pope
The meat in the back represent the "certainty of the past" or something that can be grasped and solidified.
I have often question human responses in distress: seeking for pleasure, momentary peace, and understanding. The reason being that I have never questioned the traits that are bestowed upon me when born into this world as a man. I have never had a second thought about "releasing" inner anger as a man since it is against the unspoken rule of gender.
Podcasts/shows that have influenced me the most without me "knowing" are Fresh n Fit, Justpearlythings, Nelk, Adin Ross Chat, and Impausive. They all have one thing in common: generalizing traits of men today. They believe men are weak, feminine and undeserving of love. Through inviting guests that are "controversial" and "typical" of media gender portrayal, an inaccurate representation of expectation in today's society gets imprinted in the viewers' heads.
*Relevance of the past:
Since I was raised off the groundwork of rap, my idealization of men are aggressive, alert, muscular, financially capable and loving only when needed to. The portrayal of manhood is extremely similar to the version that I learned since little.
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It makes me question, "in what scenarios are men allowed to be vulnerable?"
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Under what condition a man becomes capable of expressing weakness?
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Does a problem have to be severe for men to express?
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"YG 4 hunnid", Sketch for "If I were a rabbit: School bus"
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8. Animal exploration: possibility of "transforming" the restricted modern masculinity
London Zoo (Photo from life)
Locked up for life: ability to fuss and complain
I have learned that ANIMALS are are my heroes. They represent the ideal version of man: courageous, loving, expressive and humane. They look so sad behind bars. It makes my blood boil to see what I was doing to them: torturing their existence by witnessing how miserable they are living without realizing their full potential. The thing is, I am exactly the same: living but never capable of realizing the full potential of my "gender".
Their eyes are so bright
eyes are so absolutely lost
eyes are so fanciful
Can they make a man tremble in fear and
obviously, excitement it is the fruit of failure
I would love to become an animal, but I refuse to live like one. right now I live like one but I am no animal
ENVY
PITY
Encyclopedia of Animal Life
A "fragment" of fear
Search for ways to "become one"
I tried becoming numerous animals from the encyclopedia, but I was unsuccessful- it felt awful, feeling as if I was stealing their identity purely because I was tired of being in the body I was given. The reason feels a little bit weak and unintentional.
Animal that has left a "mark", spiritual connection, acknowledgement of physical attribute
Maybe, I hate or have hated looking at myself. It makes me desperate, it makes me weak, it makes me so angry and just the inability to change anything that's "given" to me. Confronting is learning. I started to embrace the imperfections that I refuse to acknowledge and slowly "transforming" into the PERFECT form of existence: "blue rabbit".
Early "blue rabbit"
I was studying their gestures: how to tell when animals are agitated, out of their "element", or at ease. I was imagining how animals would act if they take up the physical forms of human.
"rabbit human" pre sketch, "early"
Understanding what makes my physical form "me": the glasses, nose, lips and chubby cheek.
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What "aspect" of my appearance the "blue rabbit" should take?
9. Collaborative Printmaking experimentation with my brother: blue rabbit vs "modern men"
Me, Peter Huang, 2022
The two tries to merge but failed miserably..
My brother and I took on the challenge of transforming masculinity through eradicating "male expected performances". The green and colorful shapes represent the societal infrastructure of masculine excellency and blue rabbits are obviously the "ideal" version of men: allowed to whine, cry and fail.
My twin brother Michael, 2022
10. No longer the "protagonist" (End of Unit 1 and onwards to Unit 2)
"Gesso Jar Man"
"blue rabbit" vs "society"
My Friend Jack Holmes in the studio, 2023
"Damar Varnish agent"
All the objects are used on a regular basis and usually without a question and hesitation
Investigate the "modern" way of presenting art in gallery/museum: questions of concentration, historic implication, person relevance all in couple "sentences". Sounds like a way to restrain an artist, just like how animals are in the zoo *
"Society": objects of the mundane. Like how the FBI watches an individual through the computer lens, the "masculine perfectionists" are too.
