Chapter 2
Jealousy of "Perfection"
"Enter-view" of
Tom...
"The mustache of his stays forever disorganized; raw, so organic that only “untalented” eyes slide right past. One would never last a second without going up and down- the wrist impatiently shuffles as many pairs of eye glide vertically to reach the destination; Teeth, continuous argument but still held upmost respect for one another; hair, parted ways for a couple days but back as soon as nighttime reaches. Tom stands right in front of me, forever unbothered. The day that I thought forever ended the moment that chair gets sat in. Intrusion, delightful agony that he appreciates. “Hey, is this posture ok”, Tom asks politely. Never have I told him: I am an addict to happy accidents. Accidental, he shows up the moment that brush drops and palette cleared; accidental, that moment gets captured and painted; accidental, here/hear keys pressed, and words typed."
Why ME?
Tom, if you must ask why I painted the position you was in: natural, unrefined, but lacks "intention". The reason would have been "straight off the cuff, dome. and phone." Painting without a plan, preplan, plan-for-later would be so much more profitable as it "interests". I love how he stands, or once "stood", a ground that lacks "footing" seems to be so fitting. He, disrupts my artistic process if I have to brutally honest. The idea was not to capture someone or something that's off script or rthym, but to satisfy the momentary need of focusing on something. One might ask how does the fit of Tom effects the overall progression of painting, and I would of unanswered that question; believe me, no such thing as proper or improper it is all imagery. What if the person isn't someone I know so well. What if the person in chair is a complete stranger that has no interest of being painted? The painting would off been done in the same fashion because I hate attentiveness.
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Tom, how does he walk in so calculated, on-time, and confident. He never did. It was my impression of him that nurtured the lack of confidence. Would of, or could have he walked in without the same energy but still painted? The answer would be probably, most likely, and later "definitely". I don't care how a person presents him or herself. It is a show, to justify the perfection that he or she possesses is accepted.
Clothes?
Jeally Much?
Watcher, that's what I am. The eyes of mine are used to prolong beauty that's hardly seen: the dried acrylic paint in the crack of styrofoam cup, scattered hair on a newly dried pillow, and of course food stain in the corner of mouth.. Jealousy, wouldn't be my first word to describe his ammunition; instead, curiosity. Oh, it could have been lack of curiosity. Never was I intending to be curious, only discovering, with the eyes that are prone to beauty. You know, painting someone does more harm than good to him. Don't want to belittle, or dramatize, but how could I have escaped if it was embedded; embedded, looking so closely at someone to find crumbs to scavage; embedded, vocalizing thoughts that are so visual and easily misinterpreted; embedded, to later sit and type out this on a pc that easily overheats. Comical, purely comical. Dad jokes, corny but laughable. Anyways, I was a bit, just a bit, jealous.. I guess
What? Explain
Jealous of what, you asked. The answer wouldn't be so easily read, explained and told. It would be anything normal, or usual, that common could commend. It would have to his stance: unwavering spirit in situating his body in ways, ways that, that one achieves only when given up. It is therapeutic to review somebody you know with the intention of learning, and not "competing"- wait a minute, like how sentences left unfinished, unfinished, minds of ours piece it together. Shortsighted, as one might of thought or assumed. I was, at least, one of us is or was too "irresponsible" and reluctant in admitting that Tom still dressed and postured better. Self conscious, the brush of mine never gets dipped; self conscious, the gamsol never gets poured. Forever reimagining how a moment gets so meaningful when it lasts so little, time I guess.
Mike Nelson
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RED ROOM
The red room makes me uneasy. Not like how an artwork should; but warnings, countless warnings given from steel plates, mirrors, foot stools, fences.. Unwelcoming, completely a sight forbidden from public eye. Nelson's reconstitution of items make me question the reason behind: why would he ever, do it? So cleverly as well? The book says "reconstruct the mechanism of memory". If so, is Nelson questioning the formulation of memory: connections built off familiarly with subject or object or incident to offset feeling of bewilderment?
IMAGINERY SPACE FOR?
In "A Conversation between Mike Nelson and Katie Guggenheim", Nelson indicates that works presented are his attempt in reconstructing and unraveling history made for himself. Nelson highlights the word "daunting" when describing the process. The reinvention of self seems to be primary focus as Nelson tirelessly graspss onto his past work;
though contradicting, it is the very means of art-making for Nelson. Nelson talks about his past work like the "Coral Reef" from Tate, and how has the magnitude of work shifted to fit for show at Hayward Gallery. It is the adjustment, that seems to throw Nelson off and further challenges his artistic process. Continuing, Nelson dissects the commonality between "The Deliverence" and "The Patience", how the two are constructed in similar time span and both in focus on creating spaces that are imagery yet relatable and accessible.
It is the "replication of reality" that intrigues Nelson, or how reality can be both customizable and "universal".
"predictive processing"
Guggenheim brought up an interest point of how "our perceptions are actually predictions."
If so, the portraitures I've made are not based off the visual analysis on painted individuals but "impressions" purely. The idea that humans act off predictions are both sensible and delusional:
the experience of ours construct the means for existence.
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Art seems to be made for dilution: the memory of everyday is added "microscopically", or incrementally to perfect the "potion of living".
Object as "Marker" of time
Nelson highlights the problem of internet: lack of reminder in existence through erasure of time and space. To a degree,
Nelson is questioning the fundamentals of internet or how aware are people of the space and time they live in.
Nelson's point on objects as reminders of time and how humans are constantly striving to advance through reinvention and self reflection are related to my portraiture series: how should one reimagine a face of familiarity without punishment
The question then becomes "why are we aware of the things that we are aware of".
"it is all a construct
ultimately, and without that we return to our animal state."
"My work is a completely fake construct."-Mike Nelson
In the interview, Nelson regards his work as a fake construct that exists in a static form with no bound of time and entropy. Nelson's work is not bound by cultural, societal norms; but by people, the living embodiment of understanding and pushers of laws. His work isn't to be viewed, but understood then ultimately refused. The eyes of ours accept what's presented in sight, but deep down refuses with passion. Like walking in bathroom expecting to see a plate of steak and folded napkin: unprecedented, but made of components that are precedented.
Affirmation of Jealousy
*Nelson inspires me to look sideways. Apart from what's already understood about portraiture: the notion of capturing a person's spirit, look, and characteristics. How can we be properly jealous, jealous so much that ourselves are lost; jealous so much that paintings are left, and "not right". Dodge the attempt in making "sense" because sensible is crude and robotic. Paint others as if you are painting yourself because you two are almost alike; but, they just have a little more "edge ups"..
ALICE
NEEL: hot off the griddle
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Transformation of jealousy
Neel's work is like a book: unopened, only monologue highlighted but pages after are all nipped and folded and marked and scrunched up.. Her paintings are tantalizing, or so much so amusing. She paints what people see in themselves than what she sees in them. It is diverted; "tranquilized", she paints people without overthinking, thinking what could be thought and learned about them.. Her history of them is made up of information she believes to be "fitting" of them.
EYES, Shift of Vacancy
EYES, Shift of Vacancy
Distant, distanced
Neel wants someone to bring
her "flower"- the distance she seeks
seems so achievable yet forever
unfulfilled. Neel's paintings are like makeups: procedure after refusal of "self" in the mirror. The fluidity and vibrancy of paint are just cover up; cover up, Neel involves too deeply with her or him; cover up, Neel disassembles herself so "they" could fit better.
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In the eyes of the painted, one sees no one but themselves: the version that is obsolete and forgotten. Like choosing from a list of songs, Neel picks the version of herself to best accompany the cherished; forever, she gets celebrated just like how the individuals are.. The history does not bother her, or "Neel". She would forever congest herself in a space that breathing is difficult, and intolerable; even thoughts, are only allowed if the update is "logical". Neel paints with an unfiltered mind: everything and anything gullible are discarded but later picked up for
refinement. Her thoughts are like boulders stuck on hills: forever in place, but will crash and slide if slightly moved. Only in people, Neel is able to readjust herself so ideas don't over bloom and burden the physical. It is all a "shift" in
view point. Neel's portraiture isn't about depicting, but celebrating the "unrealized" fantasy of expectation. Every character that is ever touched by Neel glimmers with confidence; gallant, the painted accepts Neel's version of self gracefully.
ADDICT
word
play
love to write, I, mind of I like chlorine: cleans, clears, but
comes in "expensive". Think is no brainer for me as brain
something he rarely "brings" with him. Overthink, unheard of,
sits alone on a bench; but logic, comes right on time to assist his buddy
so he could take a rest. Forever, looks in the eyes of her knowing love
costs so much but often enjoyed very little. I'm a pioneer of land that's
rediscovered, uncovered, neutralized, terminated and lifted off the
earth; without I, there will be no sound or word worthy of digesting.
Writing makes him wired to the fence, electric, animals from farms
stunned and fell to floor; unbothered, "it" maneuvers and edges
closer to the fallen- the rustic, battle-scarred skin of his seems too
unnatural. Anyways, where was I?
A "break" so I
don't break
Cerebral cortex is laid back
"assumed that if I were, a genius. Things generated are accounted but ignored; but, things discounted are back on shelves- sleeves ripped with strings of linen outwards, he sips from the fountain of you'th. Every person painted, drawn, lined up are all results of suicidal thoughts; nevertheless, the glass gets refilled. Just no longer with water, but filled with tears of joy; joy, sat across from me pondered why sadness left the room.. Gibberish, completely."
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-24/12/2022 Sunday. UK
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Jealous of the Sane
*writing prevents thoughts from tangling, merging, transforming, converging, colluding, invading, complaining.. Especially, word-play: having fun with words and create narrative out of blue. If words are witnesses, I would be the "murderer". Control is what I have but also lack.
website design
poem
journal
diary
kellyzhangart.com*
"Spontaneous"
Jealous of the Calculated
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Moment
Impression
determination
Does the look, make up, hair gel, shoe, glove, polish, make up, smell, attitude, stance, persona, vibe, height, weight, outlook of future, music taste, hobby remind one of something "worthy" of remembering? Most importantly, is it worthy of including without any credible narrative?
What does the moment tell you differently about what you already know about the person? Does the moment justify your idea of him or her? Should the person be viewed differently with or without the moment?
Are you jealous? If you are, what aspect are you jealous of?
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Capture that second of exhilaration because the rest is stodgy. Imprint aspects that are memorable.
"VICTIM" LIST:
Tom: aura, fit, paint-splattered sweater
Maddi: ambition, spirited, jumper
Jack: positivity, down to earth, blue jacket
Michael: focused, strong, sleeveless shirt
Matin*: workaholic, educated, baseball cap
Zach: appreciative, modest, black shorts
Alex: fashionable, friendly, designer shoe
Rada: sassy, straightforward, oversized shoe
"More Than Enough"
"remember wouldn't be my go-to word when describing methods utilized for prolonged memory. I don't remember, I group: categorization based off aspects and levels of customizations on self-image in public; in other words, what noticeable changes are made by the individuals for public appearances. The comparison would require images or ideas before and after the "enhancement".
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Emotional
Physical
Summarize the feeling you have for the person by enhancing attributes that resemble him or her*
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What alterations are made so the painted becomes indicative of the impressions they have on you? Utilize evidence collected from both observation and conversation to generate the imagery.​
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"Demons"
Jealous of the free-spirited
Mathew Hansel
Hansel's work depicts the imbalance of expression and sexuality in an ideal world. The idea of "contemplate the abject" is central. Hansel's work highlights lust through questioning the fundamentals of human desires: neglect the norm and strive for better self-fulfillment. Paintings by hansel illuminate concerns regarding communication between people and their "demons"; as well as ways on how patrons are willingly manipulated and seduced.
Hansel's Demon*
"It's in our unattended moments that we allow ourselves the freedom to contemplate the abject." -Hansel
The real demon comes after the initial "wave" of fear and temptation- what is really at risk is our willingness in engaging conversations with ourselves. Hansel deduces how the ordinaries are possessed, challenged, and later remodeled by integrity. Hansel's idea of 'seductive disgust" highlights how decisions only satisfy one component of the physical or mental cerebration.
Pootor's Demon*
Temptation in endless generative process of narrative from past: Temptation, drown myself six feet deep in barrels of endless joy of unconsciousness; Temporary, forever aroused by how paint slashes and controls the lenses of others
INACURRACY
Appreciate it*
The abject is the fear of "over-observing". Trust the intuitive and shove the paints onto walls of canvases.
Quit being a slave to the environment: space that limits your thoughts from bursting so you're forever dependent on it as "it" profits from you. The studio is a place that entraps and forgives an individual; entraps, ideas are locked in at the start to be then pursuit and realized; forgiven, ideas locked-in that failed are left alone to rot for vultures to feast off of.
"Studio"
Jealous of the spacious
Police
unemployed..
Incorporation of the "familiar"
The items are chosen intuitively. The utility, or physicality of items are "accounted" but not focused on. The items are chosen through a process similar to the painted individuals: momentary and instinctive. They represent the "familiar" as others are the invaders. By adding items that are personified the painted individual becomes the "outcast" in a space that's "ordinary".
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"ITEM"
"BRAIN"
"LEGS"
What aspect of the environment holds the physical construct of an individual. How many ways can an individual maneuver in space that's limiting and crowded.
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"I feel like a fraud walking in the studio- the canvases piled up like sand castles; and even the rolls, rolls of, of paper lays carelessly over the floor. It is no room be stepped in.."
Think hard but not purposeful. Never purpose-full because it only pushes things over the edges of cliffs.
"I love observing others feet stroke past. It is the most unintentional, intentional way of saying F you."
"Painting has never been my language, but luggage or baggage. He carries the past but clears space for the future. One assumes the work of mine dilutes imagination; no closer than false accusation, work of mine depicts bathtubs full of impregnated rubber duckies: showmanship with a drizzle of professionalism."
Leave painting alone because she has a boyfriend already. Learn to have humor and focus on close vicinity.
"Hiccups''
Unapologetically disorganized, more real-life referenced work will be done and pushed over.
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What Pootor sees is not he sees but ponders about... we'll see